"Half This Game Is Ninety-Percent Mental"

Thank you, Mr. Yogi Berra, for summing up the World of Physical Activity so beautifully. For me, this is especially true at 5:55 (in der Fruehe, Leute! Jawohl), when my alarm goes off. Each morning I lay wrapped in my faux-downy comforter and debate with Myself [cue The Clash]: should I stay or should I go now? Bed is so alluring...but so are new clothes! That little Promise is just the Carrot that This Horse needs to jog on.

And jog on I have. Since my "I-don't-have-to-be-perfect, but-I-do-need-to-be-healthy" Epiphany, I have lost 14 pounds--a pound a week. This life is proving to be sustainable, and I feel so much healthier, both physically and mentally. However, I am still struggling against rushing the process: I want to see the results of all my work NOW!!! I feel particularly frantic after an audition for which I sang well, performed well, and was funny--but am too "big" for the role. For some reason, this news almost sent me into a Fuck-U Slump--You know, the kind of Slump where You show "The Man" how wrong They were by proceeding to do the very behavior that kept You from Your Goal in the first place. [cue Borat]: Suc-ah-CESS! For me, that Slump looks like a whole lot o' sleepin' and watchin' crappy TV movies.

Thankfully, though, my hatred of ants came to my rescue. Yes, Blatherscopians, I will now admit what many have long wondered: Anger spurs me on! You see, the weather has been sooo warm, sooo sunny, sooo lovely, the ants have come marching 2 x 2 looking for food. I went into Full Freak-Out Mode, cleaned my kitchen from zip to zap, and had enough adrenaline left over to spend at the gym.

It* is a Magical Land: no matter how tired or grumpy or blah I feel going into the gym, I feel exhilarated coming out, ready to face those damn ants.

*I love all the little old ladies at the Rec Center. My favorite moment was watching two biddies walk away from the showers, one with a cane, the other with a wheeled-walker, both with age-dimpled butt cheeks sagging over the tops of their legs. Wonderful!

"Bitch is the New Black"

I missed the return of SNL this past Saturday, but thank g*d Broadsheet was watching, otherwise we wouldn't have Tina Fey's insightful ribbing of Hillary. Pop on over for the video clip.

A Good Cause

All this takes is about 3 minutes of Your time; the group Five for Fighting has pledged $1.00 per view to Autism Speaks. Please consider investing those 180 seconds in the future of an autistic child.

Word of the Day--It's A Tie

Jank
As in:

Jank-ass ride

Craxy
The "X" is for extra crazy.

Thank you, Urban Dictionary, for existing.

Was Jesus White Enough to Be a Christian?

How to even begin unraveling this tangled snarl of Fear?

As spring approaches, certain conservative Christian groups* are preparing for winter--Demographic Winter! These groups believe that the "Western Europe" is committing Demographic Suicide by permitting contraception ("abortifacients"), by support of GLTB rights (no support for anyone not capable of creating babies!), and by "undermining" women's natural rights: "Above all, we believe in rights that recognize women's unique gifts of pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding."** They have begun major campaigns to "save" society as they see it. And the society they see is predominantly white.

In the current issue of The Nation (brief video summary), Kathryn Joyce examines the issues put forth by the World Congress of Families in her article, "Missing: The 'Right' Babies" (entire article reprinted via AlterNet). Ms. Joyce adroitly juxtaposes Conservative concern over Europe's negative population growth with Europe's xenophobia--no immigrant birthrate data is factored into a country's Total Fertility Rate, despite the fact that unnaturalized immigrants count for 1/8th of Europe's total current population and between 60% and 80% of the inhabitant population growth. Immigrants to Europe are largely comprised of Africans, Middle Easterners, and Asians; and 25-32 million of these immigrants are Muslim. White Christians, those bastions of Western cultural heritage, are dying out.***

So, to sum up, non-Caucasians do not count; there is no real "assimilation" of culture and the melding of different cultures is a ridiculous idea****, so the "melting pot" idea is dead; being born in Europe isn't enough to make you a European, even if your native tongue is the language of the country in which you were born; people who don't want/can't make babies "naturally" are Bad. But we should still let the foreigners come so that no Citizen has to sully themselves by supporting a family on a Shit Job.

What ever happened to Christians believing Jesus when he said: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Or this gem: "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."*****

*Such as the James Dobson's Focus on the Family organization, the Catholic Population Research Institute, the non-denominational Alliance for the Family and Family First Foundation, conservative Think Tank The Howard Center, and current Presidential adviser (and Nixon confidante) Chuck Colson.

**Quote from The Natural Family Manifesto -- co-written by Paul Mero, head of the Mormon Think Tank the Sutherland Institute, and Allan Carlson, an evangelical academic.

***Many European governments are doing their best to stimulate the birth of Natural Nationals: Sweden tried to provoke copulation with their "Fuck for the Future" campaign; a province in Russia made September 12 a "Day of Conception" holiday--anyone who gave birth 9 months later won a car or a fridge; Italy is giving monetary bonuses for each child born and offering a "salary subsidy" to women who agree to be stay-at-home mothers--they were embarrassed, however, when they accidentally handed out checks to immigrant families and had to repossess the funds.

****Even though cultures have melded for millenia as various peoples have been forced by famine, wars, etc., to migrate and encounter new groups/languages/customs. Oh well, what kind of proof is that?

*****Matthew 6:25, 34 and 7:1-5

Happy S.A.D.!*

If only Chaucer knew what he was starting with this 1382 couplet** about couples:
For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.***

Chaucer, horny poet that he was, had no idea that his simple tie-in of the typical February fertility rituals with a feast for St. Valentine of Rome would spawn thousands of cards, millions of roses, billions of chocolates (undiscovered in his time), and trillions of dollars over the next few centuries. He surely would have opted for profit-sharing.

*Singles' Awareness Day.
**Ol' Geoff was just trying to kiss up to the king, Richard II, who was celebrating his one-year anniversary to Anne of Bohemia; Their Royal Majesties were 15.
***In regular English: "choose" his "mate." Even birds were paternalistic.

Yeow! I Feel Good (I Knew That I Would)

Do You ever have a Day when You just feel GOOD? For moi, that Day is this Day. I am nauseatingly cheerful. I feel like every part of me has been ministered to this morning: I got my Exercise on at a Bright and Early 6 Of The Clock--and my Honey Bun joined me!* As I rode the Chub off my Curves, I read the most delightful children's book, The Family Under The Bridge by Natalie Savage Carlson.** The story is so wonderfully compassionate without being preachy, full of interesting and unusual characters, and a Happy Ending that never feels forced or obvious. When I finished, my heart felt Full.

And then I went to work on my voce.

Vocally, things that I have struggled toward for a Long Time are beginning to happen: my clumsy muscles are gaining Discipline, my tongue has been chastened from the Distortion of Vowels, and I am learning when (and how) to relax.*** These Actions have only been vaguely glimpsed Ideas before now; a sense of Accomplishment, Hope, and Relief are bubbling just under my skin. I feel like I have just been handed The Key to The Secret Garden.****

*I do love to see that man sweat. Hot, hot, hot.
**Which reminds me that I have neglected my Book Reviews shamefully. STBR! (Soon To Be Rectified)
***I apologize to any of my Non-Singer Readers for whom this is Techno-Gibber. If You, poor bored person, desire to gain an Inkling of Insight, let Your Zerd know and I will prat on about Music and the Muse in a Future Post.
****Which is another fine children's book, just in case You didn't know.

Tie Me Up, Big Boy

'Nuff said.

Be sure to check out all of the action-packed vintage mystery covers--You're in for some doozies!*

*A big thanks to SiLLee for pouring a big helpin' of cheese all over my day.

Diet Soda Makes Us Fat

Aw, krap. This sux.*

Now that I've depressed You, let me help cheer You up: this video is carb-o-licious fun.**

*Yes, yes; I understand that researchers do not yet know if it is the soda or the lifestyle, but--yeesh!--it is the difference between hell-fire and brimstone to me.

**Much thanks to The Tsipa for enriching my life with this magnificent Work Of Art.

Heartin' Hil All The Way To The Hill

"I want to thank all my friends and family, particularly my mother, who was born before women could vote, and is watching her daughter on this stage tonight."

-- Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, Super Tuesday night.

Take A Bow, Piano

What do You get when You mix fishing line, Popsicle sticks, plumbing tape, ten musicians, and a grand piano? Stephen Scott's Bowed Piano. For centuries the piano has been treated as if--Eureka!--the perfect instrument had been constructed, no changes necessary. It is an unchallenged entity, like gravity. Thus people who look at the world in new ways, who challenge the existing conditions/uses/theories, excite my imagination--the hope of What Could Be trumps the concrete That Which Is.

The variance of sounds in Mr. Scott's bowed piano is amazing: there is a pure adherence to the pitch fundamental usually found in electronically manipulated wave lengths, yet the instrument remains a sustaining percussion piece that reminds One of the classical Chinese qin.*

In other words, it is veryveryvery cool, and I dig it.

*Hop on over to the NPR site for a video clip and 3 music clips of one of only 2 instruments in the world that requires a team to play it. Challenge: if any one can tell me what the other instrument is, I will bake them brownies.

Happy Super Fat Tuesday!

In honor of Mardi Gras, today was all about Decadent Cuisine in Zerd Werld. Oh! The Yummies! Lamb Osso Buco, anyone? Savory Chicken Salad? Or perhaps a creamy Carmel Pecan Tart? Tomorrow all those boisterous calories will turn to Ash* on my hips, but today is for Richness of Flavor.

I am getting a bit of a workout this evening, however, with all the Election Buzz. Oh! The Excitement! Super Tuesday has never before seemed to This Humble Personage quite so elevated** a competition. [Sound of hunting horns in the distance. In terribly false British manor accent:] What ho! The Game's a-foot!

*And by "ash" I mean "fat, fat, fat."
**I do love my puns, lame as they are.

I'm Glad I Didn't Have Money Riding On It

I love it when The Underdog wins. I really do. David 'n Goliath-like sports flicks always make me weepy.* But I am much too pragmatic** to have faith in The Little Guy; I would never bet on the chance of an upset. I guess the moral of this story is: don't bet, period, and Your money will always be safely tucked in Your wallet.***

*Once I got carried away and started yelling for "my team" in the theater. My brother punched me in the knee to get me to shut up. To be fair, I was only 8.
**Read: "cynical."
***In case You are so out-of-touch that You have No Idea to what I am referring, see here.

The REAL Super Bowl

Do You hate football*? Do You like football, but wish it could be cuter, fluffier, and sillier? Animal Planet has the solution for You: Puppy Bowl! Whether You're rooting for Jackson, Bruin, Kala, or Cody, the action is sure to be adorable. Click here for video highlights from past events.

*As do I, Zerd, and all other Readers of Marked Intelligence.

Happy Groundhog's Day!

Damn that shadow. According to Punxsutawney Phil's very own official website, we are due to 6 more weeks of cccold. As if to prove Phil right, G*d opened the heavens and dumped one whole inch of snow in my backyard.*

But I shall have my revenge...stew-style. Yes, ladies and laddies, step right up! Be the very first** to try our array of groundhog patties, lard-pie, fried groundhog de-lite, and my personal favorite, fricasseed. (It just sounds so French.)

If, however, Your bleeding heart decries the notion of finger-lickin'-good rodent, You can click here to download wallpapers, sound clips, and factoids (which, I warn You, may or may not be true, as we have pretty clear evidence that the creatures have some sort of "in" with G*d, who is a notorious System-Rigger.)

*Scoff if You want, Midwesterners. But snow? In the Willamette Valley? This close to the ocean? That's just crazy talk!

**By "the very first," I imply, "the very first people with college educations." Obviously these recipes have been enjoyed as delicacies by Red-Necks for generations.