Lately I've been struggling between Who I Think I Am (Or Want To Be) and Who I Am (In Practice). The Ideal recently espoused, "Women who turn their backs on the higher education and training they received in order to become housewives and stay-at-home mothers are immoral; they are acting to re-enforce the harmful gender stereotypes that Society has built its values upon." The Actual, with multiple diplomas in hand, spends half of everyday doing housework--partly because I enjoy it (well, certain aspects of it), and partly because my Elbow Grease is what I have the most to give to my life with Hubba-Bubba; Hubs contributes primarily through financing this operation we call Our Life Together.
I can sense my Blatherscopians bristling, some of You at the Ideal, others at the Actual, both groups questioning how-on-earth-are-we-friends. I, Your Zerd, am equally perplexed at myself.
I do believe that women too carelessly abandon the Career Path in favor of traditional roles. Wait a minute, some thoughtful person may say. Someone needs to look after the children, right? Someone needs to keep things clean. And Motherhood is not Not Working; it's the hardest job there is! By all means, dear Readers, Parenthood is Important--healthful parenting is vital to Society. I have no problem with any person who makes the active choice to spend their time creating loving relationships* with the Next Generation; what I have a problem with is The Path Of Least Resistance.
I am, however, a Realist. I understand fully that the Structure of modern America does not value Children or Family**; it values Money. The Working World is not family-flexible, and so a Sacrifice is demanded--Your Money or Your Life! You can have a job that supports Your family, but You often have to surrender the better part of Your day, leaving before 7 a.m. and coming home after 6 p.m. That leaves, what, 2-3 hours of Family Time before the bambinos are packed into bed. How frustrating. How alienating. Or You can eschew the Big Bucks and snuggle up to the Wee Ones but have no outlet for Your individual interests. How frustrating. How stifling.
When people are ensnared in this terrible Catch-22 they look for the clearest way out, and Society shines a shiny spotlight on the entrance to The Path Of Least Resistance. Grateful for an option, women and men unthinkingly stumble onward.
It is this lack of thought that breeds immorality. For how can it be moral to perpetuate gender roles that issue from antiquated Property Rights? Is it moral to subconsciously communicate that a woman's proper sphere is domestic? This happens when children witness an inequitable division of labor around the house, rather than a team camaraderie: boys grow up believing they must work outside the home, while girls grow up believing that they may work outside the home, but home-based activities are "natural." That "may" will be tested by Family's economic realities and often crumple in the face of the male imperative of "must." That "must" translates to "money", and those who control the money control the Society.
It is immoral that half of the population is afflicted by the ignorance that comes from dominance, and that the other half of the population is cowed away from any action that challenges dominance. The problem with dominance is that it births complaisance with the status quo which leads to a sense of entitlement which leads to oppression. It is what leads the Money-Makers to think they can impose rules upon the Nurturers; it is what leads the Money-Makers to a sense of ownership.
Women too easily say, "My job won't let me work flexible hours in order to take care of my kids, so I guess I have to quit." Men too easily overlook the responsibility for relationship they agreed to when they decided to help create another human being, returning to the refrain, "It makes sense for her to quit her job; I make more money." Money and Relationship must find balance.
So how can I say all this and yet spend much of my day as a Hillsboro Hausfrau? How can I justify Husband = Breadwinner, Wife = Hearth & Home? I don't know if I can justify it. But I can explain it.
When we decided to try to "spend the rest of our lives together," we faced a choice: how do we live together? As a performer, I was the lowest fiscal denominator; Hubs, wonderful computer wizard that he is, could provide handsomely for himself--AND for me. In his great generosity, Hubbers decided to give me an amazing gift: the gift of true artistic freedom; the gift of eating salad and steak instead of Top Ramen; the gift of not having to work some crap part-time job just to contribute equally to household accounts. He placed no stipulations on his gift; I could accept his gift because of the deep abiding trust I have in him. This way I was free to travel to auditions, to work with the very best coaches and teachers, and to spend hours a day perfecting my [a] vowel.
This also means that I work mostly from home. Surrounded by home everyday, some home cares are likely to creep into the consciousness. A lot of cares, actually. I am a weeeee bit OCD. I like things the way I like them. I have a pretty, graceful home; I need things to be neat and tidy or they disrupt my concentration. This includes laundry hamper smells--and once I have thrown clothes in the washer, I might as well dry them, then fold/hang them. Tackling the daily house tasks alone frees evening time for me and Hubbers to PLAY!
I love Our Life Together.
*But it is bullshit to call Parenthood a "job." That terminology undermines the importance of Relationship and stresses the unreality of Investment Dividend. Marriage is not a job; parenting is not a job; both are relationships, and losing sight of that causes dissatisfaction and strife. I am not saying this is easy; relationships require nurturing, which can be harder than anything One anticipated beforehand.
**It seems, too, like a family is only a Family when children are present; I can't tell you how many times I have had the following conversation: "Well, I need to get home to my family." "I didn't realize you had children!" "Um, I don't. I mean my husband and my dogs." "Oh, your husband. So, you're a Couple, not a Family."
